Deep in Thought

I got a blog at long last... And after going through all the effort into getting one i sit and ponder over why i just did what i did... Getting a blog out of the blue... Perhaps it's just the fact that i have so much to say but no one to say it to... Perhaps i'm just seeking an outlet through which i can let out my thoughts and feelings... an outlet which will serve as a witness to all that occurs in my life... from the mundane to the significant...

At the moment i'm feeling really down... but i'm just concealing all my emotions and hiding behind a mask... Although i'd like to think i'm the only one in such a situation i believe i'm not... Of recent i've seen so many people, loved ones and strangers alike ,disguising their insecurities, their heartaches, their troubles and their worries behind a happy facade... Why is it that we find it so hard to express our emotions as they are? I've always wondered about why so many people go through all the hardships that they do to put on a happy appearance when deep down all they really desire is a shoulder to cry on and a soul to rely on...

In recent weeks i've been laughing harder than i've ever done before... To the world it may seem that i'm confident and happy with the direction in which my life is heading... Friends have even told me that they envy my positive attitude towards life and my cheerful disposition in everything i do... They are in awe at my ability to put behind me all the mishappenings and all the heartache i've been through... However, i'm reaching a point where i feel i've been cheating everyone including myself... Cos' the truth is i'm still hurting... In the depths of my soul lies a part of me...a part of me so traumatized by what i've been through... so traumatized by the fact that i may never be able to bring myself to confide in another bout all that happened in those 3 months... I'm sure with time i'll be able to move on... However, it's with the same certainty that i know that whatever that has happened has scarred me for life...

This is the present scenario in my life...the reality that i've been trying to run away from... No wonder it's said that life is like a theatre and we're all the actors... It sums up perfectly the way i feel at the moment... I feel like a skillful actress taking on the role of a bold and fulfilled individual... and from what i see i've done a fabulous job in making everyone around me believe that the character i'm playing and the real me are one and alike... I would choose no other way believe me... cos it's of utmost importance that i keep the loved ones around me in good spirits...everyday and all the time... I've done all i could these past few weeks to put a smile on the faces of all those i love... But this past one week i feel really helpless ....helpless and lost when i see quite a number of my loved ones stressed, depressed, heartbroken or in turmoil...there are some to whom i serve as an avenue to let out all their pent up emotions... It's just that i wish i could do more than just listen, console and comfort these people... I wish i could help them solve their problems and that i had mystical powers to make all their troubles disappear into thin air... Unfortunately that's a wish that will never come true...


Then there are others whom i know are going through troubles but have no idea whatsoever of what difficulties they're exactly facing... All i can do is hope that i'm not adding on to their problems and wait for the time when they finally decide to open up and pour their hearts out to me...till then i hope i can make them feel better with my prescence in their lives...perhaps that's just wishful thinking

i find it so hard to let others know how i'm really feeling... I feel I shouldn't let down the people who rely on me by breaking down rather than serving to provide them with the strength and solace they seek... I'm hoping that the nxt few months turn out betta for everyone i know...that everyone will regain their lost happiness...till then they'll be in my prayers and my thoughts... god bless!