Insomnia and miracles...

i've a long day ahead tmr...but somehow sleep's nt coming so i thot i'd do wat i do best...wonder and write...on some of these sleepless nights i get reminded of my sec sch days...those were the times when i'd be fast asleep by 9...i still wonder how i managed to get into bed tht early...haha...when i was doing literature for o levels we had to read julius caesar and i remember how brutus will comment on his servant lucius..e gist of it is on how sleep only comes to those who possess an innocence abt the world and as a result are fortunate to have a piece of mind...i also get reminded of lord of the rings...where right at the end frodo will comment on how certain things that u see and go through changes your outlook on life forever...on how things can never be the same again...

there are days when i look into the mirror and ask myself who i've become...cos on some days i don't recognize myself anymore...the gal i used to be and the gal i am now...well there are some changes...not all of them necessarily bad...it's just that i've shut so much of who i really am away...once in awhile the old me surfaces...jut temporarily before it is silenced back to the lock and key beneath which it is held...sometimes i want to go back to my old self...a self that is far from perfect but true to herself... a self with many more flaws but more comfortable with herself..a self who does what she wants and leads her life the way she wants to and not the way others expect her to...

the thought of returning to my old self gives me pleasure and apprehension all at the same time...paradoxical i know...a simple analogy...tell a child not to do smt and the child more often than not will do what u told him/her not to do...there's something abt the forbidden fruit that gives us an adrenalin rush,a tingle of pleasure down our spine and a racing heart...however, for those sensible enough it also means the possibility of irreversible consequences and a source of harm and downfall...it's amazing how everything boils down to the conflicts between heart and mind...i juz wanna slack the heart says... do that and u can kiss ur ass goodbye for ur exams ur mind says...mind wins over heart(most of the time at least..lol!) add u end up studying for ur exams in the end...juz a simple illustration to make my pt clear..

i want to revisit my yesteryears...just to experience all those wonderful emotions i had...times when being emotional was juz attributed to puberty and 'havoc' hormones...when being emotional simply meant a lack of maturity and an inability to deal with life's many issues rationally...at present there're so many things to deal with...practicality will serve me betta than emotions...my mind knows this but my heart doesn't...and silencing the voices of my heart is getting to be an insurmountable task...

miss those sweet days when i walked back home in the rain,took long bus rides just to enjoy the music on my walkman, daydreamed while i played on swings, danced in class, made a complete fool out of myself in school, had the guts to take all sorts of weird rides in theme parks...times when my idealistic view of the world was still intact, my faith in pple strong and my belief in notions of a romantic outlook on life unchallenged...back then i made no effort to disguise any emotion i felt...i could laugh non-stop for hrs when i was happy and cry for ends on when i felt down in the dumps...i didn't mask any emotions and anything i felt i felt it with all my heart...times have changed...i'm getting betta wif concealing my emotions...i'm reluctant to mourn at my losses or rejoice at my successes...why? cos my sorrows i don't face...i juz run away from it as far as i can...not that there ever is escape...cos it comes running right after me...it even mocks at me..."do you think u can get away so fast? thts nt the way this game works i'm afraid..till the end of your time i'll be here...to haunt, to torment, to remind u of what can't be anymore..."...my joys have come to mean little simply cos i'm afraid it won't last...i've come to see any success or happiness as a passing cloud...a lil light tht wld be engulfed by darkness anytime i let myself be complacent and relax...

there're so many thots and issues i push to the back of my mind...these never disappear...they're just there to make an appearance at odd times in the form of nagging thoughts...and so many things i wish to forget but i can't..and that's when i want to go back to the yesteryears...the happiest times of my life...when a simple mail, a melodious song, the wind on my face and all those lil things warmed my heart and brought a smile on to my face...when i lived wif an undying thirst for life and was passionate and vivacious...when i danced with no cares to who's seeing me and loved with all my heart...

somewhere beneath all the pessimism i still have hope...hope that miracles do happen...hope, that what we think can't come true anymore might just happen...there are so many things i don't understand..and i hope that things do happen for a reason...till then hope is all i have...and i pray for strength to carry on...someday i hope i'd be able to look back and make sense of it all..till then silent wishes and sweet memories are all i have to help me carry on in the journey called life...

goodnight...=)