Return of a long lost friend...
a sense of deja vu washes over me...been here & felt these very emotions so many times before...long nights and even longer days...time seems to have come to a standstill...e seconds turn into minutes ...e minutes into hours..all at a snail's pace...i've no motivation, no drive to do the things tht once gave me pleasure and satisfaction...i look back to see a dark abyss and i look ahead to see shades of gray...nothing seems clear anymore...my vision's clouded...my outlook bleak...my heart and mind at constant battle with one another...as a war rages within me i struggle to continue with life and what it encompasses..
my life...simplicity and normalacy...from the third person's perspective that would be a reasonable view of what my life entails...the complexities and challenges left only for me to know...if god appeared in front of me and asked me if i had any questions for him...i'd ask him just one thing...WHY? everything happens for a reason...if that is so then why? why the twists and turns? why do i keep falling deeper and deeper...so deep tht there seems to be no pt of return? why was i blessed with a heart to forgive but cursed such that i can't forget? i'm my own ghost...haunted by memories that seems to have taken possession of my soul...
the mayhem of the past 4 months have come to cease at last... and a familliar friend knocks on my door... loneliness is his name...torture is his game...my hectic schedule in the months that passed by may have taken it's toll on me physically but the absence of the same chaotic lifestyle is taking it's toll on my mind...just some time back i worked from morning to night till i was weary and the only thing i had energy left for was to return home to sleep...without all the hustle and bustle in my life at present...my mind has begun to set into a all too familliar routine...to wonder...to think...to ask that dreaded question...why? over and over again scenes play out in my head...thoughts float around taking no shape or form...everything tht i pushed into my subconsiousness with immense effort thus far resurfaces once again...and so it all begins... once more...
as i look around..and as i interact with my peers...i get this odd feeling of being transparent...a sense of being there and not there all at the same time...an apparition that floats by...oblivious to most...i felt suffocated in a certain sense when i had so many individuals around me all the time... demanding for my attention and time in various ways...but now there seems to be no one...all of a sudden i find myself standing all alone...with no one or nothing to distract me from my thoughts...things are rather quiet at home...gone are the days when my phone constantly alerted me of calls and messages...an eerie silence follows me even when i'm at school...it's as if my life has turned into a black and white silent movie overnight...
the path that one chooses to take is often guided by circumstances and fate...fate can be cruel...and destiny can leave u stranded at wrong places at wrong points in time...it can force u onto a path from which you can't look back...from another's outlook it will seem as if one chose to thread on this path...it would seem as if one wholeheartedly took a deliberate step to place oneself in a particular situation...the truth however could not be further from that...the silent torment left only for the individual to experience...brave outlooks can be so misguiding and portrayals of strength can be so deceiving...displays of resilience far often conceals a broken heart and a fragile soul...
if i could turn back time...if i could return to those days filled with such sweet innocence...times when my heart only held love and compassion...points in time when my heart was unscarred...where i was not burdened with so much pain and bitterness...if i could go back to those times just once more...there'd so much that would be different now...alas it's only a dream...a desire that will not come true...and hopes that will not bear fruit...
and so just as it begun...it will continue...when will this suffering come to an end? when will peace return to my heart once more? answers to these questions i know not...time holds all the answers to my questions...perhaps there will come a day when serenity and calm washes over me...a day when i stop asking why? a day the emptiness within me ceases to exist...a day when my lost soul finds its way back...a day when a genuine smile spreads across my face...and a day that true joy radiates from within the depths of my soul ...perhaps...just perhaps...till then it's just me and my old friend...loneliness is his name...suffering is his game...
my life...simplicity and normalacy...from the third person's perspective that would be a reasonable view of what my life entails...the complexities and challenges left only for me to know...if god appeared in front of me and asked me if i had any questions for him...i'd ask him just one thing...WHY? everything happens for a reason...if that is so then why? why the twists and turns? why do i keep falling deeper and deeper...so deep tht there seems to be no pt of return? why was i blessed with a heart to forgive but cursed such that i can't forget? i'm my own ghost...haunted by memories that seems to have taken possession of my soul...
the mayhem of the past 4 months have come to cease at last... and a familliar friend knocks on my door... loneliness is his name...torture is his game...my hectic schedule in the months that passed by may have taken it's toll on me physically but the absence of the same chaotic lifestyle is taking it's toll on my mind...just some time back i worked from morning to night till i was weary and the only thing i had energy left for was to return home to sleep...without all the hustle and bustle in my life at present...my mind has begun to set into a all too familliar routine...to wonder...to think...to ask that dreaded question...why? over and over again scenes play out in my head...thoughts float around taking no shape or form...everything tht i pushed into my subconsiousness with immense effort thus far resurfaces once again...and so it all begins... once more...
as i look around..and as i interact with my peers...i get this odd feeling of being transparent...a sense of being there and not there all at the same time...an apparition that floats by...oblivious to most...i felt suffocated in a certain sense when i had so many individuals around me all the time... demanding for my attention and time in various ways...but now there seems to be no one...all of a sudden i find myself standing all alone...with no one or nothing to distract me from my thoughts...things are rather quiet at home...gone are the days when my phone constantly alerted me of calls and messages...an eerie silence follows me even when i'm at school...it's as if my life has turned into a black and white silent movie overnight...
the path that one chooses to take is often guided by circumstances and fate...fate can be cruel...and destiny can leave u stranded at wrong places at wrong points in time...it can force u onto a path from which you can't look back...from another's outlook it will seem as if one chose to thread on this path...it would seem as if one wholeheartedly took a deliberate step to place oneself in a particular situation...the truth however could not be further from that...the silent torment left only for the individual to experience...brave outlooks can be so misguiding and portrayals of strength can be so deceiving...displays of resilience far often conceals a broken heart and a fragile soul...
if i could turn back time...if i could return to those days filled with such sweet innocence...times when my heart only held love and compassion...points in time when my heart was unscarred...where i was not burdened with so much pain and bitterness...if i could go back to those times just once more...there'd so much that would be different now...alas it's only a dream...a desire that will not come true...and hopes that will not bear fruit...
and so just as it begun...it will continue...when will this suffering come to an end? when will peace return to my heart once more? answers to these questions i know not...time holds all the answers to my questions...perhaps there will come a day when serenity and calm washes over me...a day when i stop asking why? a day the emptiness within me ceases to exist...a day when my lost soul finds its way back...a day when a genuine smile spreads across my face...and a day that true joy radiates from within the depths of my soul ...perhaps...just perhaps...till then it's just me and my old friend...loneliness is his name...suffering is his game...
posted by silent wonderer at 3:27 AM
<< Home