Numb

i'm bored out of my mind so thot i wld write to keep myself occupied...

a strange thought crept into my mind last night...i envisioned life as a complex computerized system into which each and everyone of our destinies is programmed...it was an eerie thought...one that made my perception of control seem illusionary...one that made the idea of I being in charge of my life and future seem to be nothing more than a facade... afterall there are so many happenings in our life that seem to be beyond our control...what we commonly address as fate perhaps holds the answers to some of life's strange and incomprehensible happenings...if life was nothing more than a fancy programme it would explain why our life course is filled with misfortunes and hurdles...one can draw a parallel to errors in the system to the hardships we face...

a unique feature of modern technology in particular that of computers is its memory...in that sense computers seem so life like...i think as human beings being able to remember our past is both a blessing and a curse...paradoxical yet true..we carry with us memories long after the events have ended and the relationships have faded away or ended...and in a way memories serve to give us inspiration, encouragement and solace...when life gets to be too much just close your eyes...transport yourself back to that perfect day when everything had gone right...when u were surrounded by those u love and who loved u...a day when life had seemed to be too good to be true...a day which u wished wld never end...savour those sweet moments gone by...when u open ur eyes u wld feel refreshed and invigorated...a certain sense of peace and serenity washes over u and ur worries drain away to oblivion...ur anxiety ebbs without trace...a smile starts making its way across ur face as u think back on that special day...or those special moments...memories seem almost magical at times...

life is becoming too mechanical at the moment...i've been sucked into an unending routine...which makes me feel biwildered at moments of where exactly i am heading to...at other times i try to enjoy the journey rather then focus on the destination...yet the journey has grown tiresome and dull...there's nothing to look fwd to...no magic in the air...no sparks...the romantic outlook from which i view life is losing it's charm as i slowly see myself crossing the line over to
the practicalities of reality...my emotions feel as if they've been bound by chains and sunk into the depths of oblivion...the colours in my life are turning to black and white...the music in my life has gone monotone...i find myself counting on memories to add charisma and charm to an otherwise mundane existence...

the picture i painted with words thus far is a picture of how i feel at the moment...not a very pleasant feeling to go through...there's a sense of loss, a sense of hope and more than everything a thirst for change...there's got to be more than this to life i'm sure...there's got to be an avenue for change, an outlet to free the emotions i keep prisoners and an arena where idealism, philosophy and poetry is not only discussed but experienced...