Ice Queen
There have been many randomn thoughts running through my mind in the last few weeks.It would have been impossible to have even tried and note all of them down coherently.However,there are a couple of issues that have been resurfacing from time to time; issues on trust,friendship,love and affection.
Certain events that transpired prior to, during and after my turning of 21 years has made me realise that i had been blind to the superficial nature of many of my friendships; giving great importance to those who do not reciprocate the affection, respect and loyalty i bestowed upon them.
It shocked me to realise that even the closest of my pals could find it in him/her to put down what i was doing for a degree. It is a common misperception that the arts and social sciences faculty is nothing more than a dumping ground where students lacking calibre congregate to pursue a degree of no value. It doesn't help that the emphasis in our country is on degrees relating to science and engineering. However, nothing could be further from the truth. The arts faculty offers such broad and diverse knowledge. Knowledge that is not only interesting but valuable; as it empowers you with a better understanding of not only yourself but those around you. Furthermore, it is an avenue where one learns to speak, write and carry themselves in a better fashion. A place where one truly begins their lifelong journey of learning.
Having said this i would like to mention that i have never looked down upon any faculty or put down any field that my friends have decided to major it. It is my belief that no matter which area you choose to specialise in, it would pose its own set of challenges and overcoming these is admirable in itself. It is sad then that i have had to bear the brunt of the ignorant who often give snide remarks and pitiful remarks on my future that they deem not to be too bright. I am usualli unaffected by these comments; afterall each one is entitled to his/her opinion and if they are unable to take a broad perspective and realise that what i do counts then that just reflects their lack of awareness and understanding.
It is a different matter altogether when people you have known over the years,who have known the hardships and struggles you had to go through to get where you are blatantly put down what you do with no second thoughts on how offensive their comments could be. The lack of tact in putting across one's opinions and the disrespect shown to me was not only hurtful but also served as an eye-opener.I could have argued or given a piece of my mind but it dawned on me how futile that would be; cos' if years of receiving a sound education as not taught one to act in a tactful, thoughtful manner( not to forget the ability to put down something that you are well aware your friend takes pride in) then nothing i say is going to make a difference. Why then should i waste my time and efforts in educating such an individual?
A birthday is a special day just like any other day that is meant to commemorate someone or some event that is of importance. As i turned 21 this year i wasn't expecting a grand party or expensive gifts. All i wanted was for my loved ones to wish me on my special day. One can imagine my shock then when some of those whom i hold dear could even forget that i was turning 21. This year i was at the receiving end of many birthday wishes that held no sincerity as well as half-hearted promises of attempts at celebrating my birthday. These were the very people whom i had looked forward to celebrate my birthday with, whose love and affection i deemed more valuable than any gift or party i could get.It was disappointing to say the least.
I began to reflect and the more i thought about it it became clearer that i had been made used of. My unquestioning trust and affection was taken advantage of. I was nothing more than a sounding board, a personal counselling service and someone you poured your sorrows to and received comfort. If only these people i call friends realised that i would do the same for them even if they didn't resort to pretending that i was their closest and dearest pal. It was only cos' they made me seem more important in their lives than i really am that made me upset. I can deal with the fact that one does not reciprocate my affection but i can't deal with poorly disguised attempts at pretence of close and deep friendship.
With a suddeness that comes across as a shock even to myself i feel that i've truly lost hope on most people. These days i find myself settling into a comfortable quiet pattern of life; one that doesn't involve many people. Just my family and a few loved ones. On retrospect it's not surprising considering my rough first half of the year. The strain of working on friendships and relationships where i wasn't treated right only served to make recent events a powerful trigger in extinguishing the warmth and affection i had for many.Previously i would find myself dropping whatever i was doing at people's request for a listening ear or some other form of help. These days i find myself increasinglt taking a more self-centred approach to others; not to forget i also prefer being on my own( a life of a recluse you could say). This heart of mine can't take no more hurt or disappointment and this is probably my way of shielding myself from any potential harm done to my emotional state. I need the time and space to heal so that i do not continue carrying alot of emotional baggage that i am. A clear state of mind is also crucial as i enter my final lap of getting my degree and i can't afford being weakened by hurt or distracted by unneccesary problems.
My only cause for concern is with regards to the person i'm changing into. In certain ways i welcome this change as my transformation from a naive, narrowminded, judgemental and overly sensitive person to a much more accepting, non-judgemental and stronger individual is something that still surprises me. Yet i fear that the warmth and compassion(which i saw as my crucial strengths even at a time when i had many other flaws) would come to exist no longer. I feel pretty much like an ice queen these days to be honest and this alarms me. Perhaps, jsut perhaps it is for the better.
As an ending note i would like to say that as bleak as this post had sounded with regards to my life i am still the most blessed girl in the world. Blessed with understanding and supportive parents, a brother whom i adore, a couple of my friends/relations who have shown not only through words but by their actions that they are sincere, loyal friends and not to forget my special someone who has made all my dreams come true. Life doesn't get any better than this.=)
Certain events that transpired prior to, during and after my turning of 21 years has made me realise that i had been blind to the superficial nature of many of my friendships; giving great importance to those who do not reciprocate the affection, respect and loyalty i bestowed upon them.
It shocked me to realise that even the closest of my pals could find it in him/her to put down what i was doing for a degree. It is a common misperception that the arts and social sciences faculty is nothing more than a dumping ground where students lacking calibre congregate to pursue a degree of no value. It doesn't help that the emphasis in our country is on degrees relating to science and engineering. However, nothing could be further from the truth. The arts faculty offers such broad and diverse knowledge. Knowledge that is not only interesting but valuable; as it empowers you with a better understanding of not only yourself but those around you. Furthermore, it is an avenue where one learns to speak, write and carry themselves in a better fashion. A place where one truly begins their lifelong journey of learning.
Having said this i would like to mention that i have never looked down upon any faculty or put down any field that my friends have decided to major it. It is my belief that no matter which area you choose to specialise in, it would pose its own set of challenges and overcoming these is admirable in itself. It is sad then that i have had to bear the brunt of the ignorant who often give snide remarks and pitiful remarks on my future that they deem not to be too bright. I am usualli unaffected by these comments; afterall each one is entitled to his/her opinion and if they are unable to take a broad perspective and realise that what i do counts then that just reflects their lack of awareness and understanding.
It is a different matter altogether when people you have known over the years,who have known the hardships and struggles you had to go through to get where you are blatantly put down what you do with no second thoughts on how offensive their comments could be. The lack of tact in putting across one's opinions and the disrespect shown to me was not only hurtful but also served as an eye-opener.I could have argued or given a piece of my mind but it dawned on me how futile that would be; cos' if years of receiving a sound education as not taught one to act in a tactful, thoughtful manner( not to forget the ability to put down something that you are well aware your friend takes pride in) then nothing i say is going to make a difference. Why then should i waste my time and efforts in educating such an individual?
A birthday is a special day just like any other day that is meant to commemorate someone or some event that is of importance. As i turned 21 this year i wasn't expecting a grand party or expensive gifts. All i wanted was for my loved ones to wish me on my special day. One can imagine my shock then when some of those whom i hold dear could even forget that i was turning 21. This year i was at the receiving end of many birthday wishes that held no sincerity as well as half-hearted promises of attempts at celebrating my birthday. These were the very people whom i had looked forward to celebrate my birthday with, whose love and affection i deemed more valuable than any gift or party i could get.It was disappointing to say the least.
I began to reflect and the more i thought about it it became clearer that i had been made used of. My unquestioning trust and affection was taken advantage of. I was nothing more than a sounding board, a personal counselling service and someone you poured your sorrows to and received comfort. If only these people i call friends realised that i would do the same for them even if they didn't resort to pretending that i was their closest and dearest pal. It was only cos' they made me seem more important in their lives than i really am that made me upset. I can deal with the fact that one does not reciprocate my affection but i can't deal with poorly disguised attempts at pretence of close and deep friendship.
With a suddeness that comes across as a shock even to myself i feel that i've truly lost hope on most people. These days i find myself settling into a comfortable quiet pattern of life; one that doesn't involve many people. Just my family and a few loved ones. On retrospect it's not surprising considering my rough first half of the year. The strain of working on friendships and relationships where i wasn't treated right only served to make recent events a powerful trigger in extinguishing the warmth and affection i had for many.Previously i would find myself dropping whatever i was doing at people's request for a listening ear or some other form of help. These days i find myself increasinglt taking a more self-centred approach to others; not to forget i also prefer being on my own( a life of a recluse you could say). This heart of mine can't take no more hurt or disappointment and this is probably my way of shielding myself from any potential harm done to my emotional state. I need the time and space to heal so that i do not continue carrying alot of emotional baggage that i am. A clear state of mind is also crucial as i enter my final lap of getting my degree and i can't afford being weakened by hurt or distracted by unneccesary problems.
My only cause for concern is with regards to the person i'm changing into. In certain ways i welcome this change as my transformation from a naive, narrowminded, judgemental and overly sensitive person to a much more accepting, non-judgemental and stronger individual is something that still surprises me. Yet i fear that the warmth and compassion(which i saw as my crucial strengths even at a time when i had many other flaws) would come to exist no longer. I feel pretty much like an ice queen these days to be honest and this alarms me. Perhaps, jsut perhaps it is for the better.
As an ending note i would like to say that as bleak as this post had sounded with regards to my life i am still the most blessed girl in the world. Blessed with understanding and supportive parents, a brother whom i adore, a couple of my friends/relations who have shown not only through words but by their actions that they are sincere, loyal friends and not to forget my special someone who has made all my dreams come true. Life doesn't get any better than this.=)
posted by silent wonderer at 11:40 AM
<< Home