Reflections
If i had to sum up 2006 in 5 words: A Testimony to my Stupidity...haha! yes the cat's out of the bag...that's as blunt as it's going to get but yea 2006 was proof to how a confused mind added to immense pressure leading to huge (and i mean HUGE) errors in judgement is the perfect recipe for incredible disaster...i noe i'm supposed to sound like i'm in despair and grief...and i also noe i'm not sounding or acting anywhere close to that...simply cos i've had enough of being miserable...even if at this point in time the future looks bleak and i find myself at one of the lowest points in my life i've been thru enuff to noe i'd emerge out of this darkness victoriously...and nope this is not some cheapo version of A Dummy's Guide to Optimism...lol!
For the first time in my entire life I feel ashamed for being so gullible (a nicer way of putting so unbelievably mind bogglingly stupid...=p) as if that's not bad enuff i'm carrying the burden of guilt on my shoulders...guilt...tt single word tt leaves u with an ache in ur heart tt can't be explained in mere words...in my 21 yrs i've never made a mistake as huge as this...a mistake tts been so costly...i've always felt life has treated me more harshly than it shld...felt tt life's just been abt one heartache after another...but for once the heartache and trauma has nothing to do with the cards dealt out by fate...it's got to do with me and my decisions...it's made me aware tt nt all mistakes are made by others and sometimes it's gt to do with simply the paths we choose...i guess wat i failed to see all these yrs is tt alot of my trials and tribulations wld have been non-existent if only i had learnt to make the right decisions...
i used to take pride in the fact tt i've never hurt anyone...or better put impacted anyone negatively in a major way...my conscience was clear...nw tt's no longer true...no longer do i find myself in a situ where i'm the 'victim'..this time i've gone and screwed things up majorly by donning the opp role...tt of the 'victimizer'...it's a very new feeling and definately far from pleasant...however, it's made me realise tt pple do mistakes and it's made it easier to forgive everyone who's done me wrong at some pt or another in my life...i'm nt sure if those pple realise or even feel regrets over their actions...but giving them the benefit of the doubt...by any chance if they happen to feel the way i do now...i'd rather forgive them...cos i realise this is a feeling tt i wldn't even wanna bestow upon my enemies...(hmmm...nt tt i've enemies...but well u get the idea)...
so on one hand while all those sucky thots and feelings are being replayed in my mind and heart on repeat mode...there's a part of me tt feels like i've finally seen the light...my mind had been sort of caged, never being able to accept reality for what it is...like some sort of trickster it always came to rationalize my emotions in a way tt left me in a rut...e last 8 yrs i'd just been sinking deeper and deeper into a mess...a mess tt i thot i'd never be able to free myself from...but i have...altho i guess to be betta put i was freed rather than i came free...nevertheless i can no longer find excuses for tt someone's behavior...i can no longer see him in the same light, putting him up high on a pedestal, worshipping the ground on which he walked (selva if u r reading this...u were damn right...i did worship him...go on and have a nice time laughing...argh)...
ok this is going all along the "i am the big bad wolf and i'll huff and i'll puff" sort of a villainous trajectory...so to neutralise things a lil let me say a few things...there's smt abt falling in love with someone at a very young age...first love and the fact tt u fall in love really young just leaves u in love with who u tink the person is ( thx to u fantasizing abt his greatness...haha) and nt with who the person really is... and when u've always been the ardent admirer ( or as my fren told me the 'worshipper') yearning fer one chance to be together with Mr-Supposedly-Great-Guy somehow the fantasy of it all evolves into some lifelong dream...i guess when first love knocks on ur door at the most awkward time ( my life's all abt bad timing...whoever thot bollywood films are melodramatic shld take a lk at my life first...more drama than u can handle...lol)u find it hard to say no...
sadly (or maybe not tt sadly =P) my dream was well just a dream...i had directed the entire romance...all the twists and turns of e story, idolizing tt someone, believing in his goodness, accepting only his strengths and turning a blind eye to all his flaws...when the context changes from being frens to finalli getting attached to tt someone changes the screenplay dramatically...cos u finally see him for who he is nt who u tink he is...and it finally dawns on u tt a bastard is well just a bastard...no ifs and buts abt it...lol! so i've finally grown up frm my silly fantasies abt first love, true love and all other oh-so-bloody-drama-tamil-movie-fied fantasies...21's a tad bit too late to experience such a self realisation...but u noe wat they say betta late than never...
the only great thing out of this entire ordeal wld be tt in the future if i do get settled with my Mr Right he'd get my 100% cos frm nw on the dreadful "what if" qn is out of my mind...i no longer have to be plagued by the horrid thots of what if he was the right guy, what if i'm making a mistake in moving on, what if i was hurting someone who loved me truly...u get the pic...i'd no longer be lking bk onto my past wondering over the infinite no of ans to tt "what if" qn...and in tt sense i can feel i'm tryuly moving on...and tt's probably why fer the first time i've been able to get myself to throw away everything tt was bought by him fer me...and to delete all pics, files etc frm my comp...it's like i've totally erased him frm my database...haha...and i'm proud of tt fact...
if the person i'm tokking abt is reading this...look here i've already forgiven u..but i guess i need to let it all out somewhere...and this is my outlet...u owe me tt much...and by forgiveness i dun mean we can be all chummy and 'great frens' cos my new yr resolution is nt to tok to those who've fucked arnd with me big time...EVER...and it's just unfortunate u fall into tt list...so yea when i said goodbye i meant goodbye...oh and gdluck with which ever bimbo,bitch or slut u land urself with...it'll be a match made in heaven...haha...i bid u adieu! =D
realli all i've written comes frm alot of soul searching...it's been hard...no one likes to admit they were wrong and they've been an ass...but i guess true maturity is abt accepting ur mistakes...and i accept mine...i've been an ass...a huge one...i'm very very remorseful abt it...i can't undo my mistakes but i can repent, learn and make amends...my only wish for 2007 is tt i'm given the opportunity to do so...and my other resolution is to quit constantly goin off like a burst water pipe...lol...nt to forget i've magically lost my ability to cry...i noe i'm stronger than tt so i shld juz quit with the theaterical effects...hehe...oh and there's one more...pretty obvious...nt to be a jackass again nxt yr by making stupid decisions...
most imptly to the someone i've hurt...i noe tt the most sincere of apologies is nt gonna do justice cos my mistake is such...but if u r reading this i'm really sorry...u were right abt everything...i was just too stubborn to accept the truth of what u told me...and i've paid the price...as i said before i can't undo my mistakes but i can make amends...someday if u find it in u to forgive me (smt which i dun noe if i shld hope for) i promise i'll make it up to u...
well tt abt brings my reflections over this most interesting, dramatic, life-changing, thot-provoking blah blah blah yr to an end...i hope 2007 brings me bk all the happiness i've lost...and tt it's a better yr for everyone...and to the few pple who stood by me thru it all....especially lakshmi and sasi...thank u! u guys go to show tt god does send angels frm above in times of need...in the form of frens...thank u so much fer being my angels! i'm most grateful and i'll never forget ur kindness ever...
to all my frens and even the ones i've lost touch with and have been seeming to ignore cos of my muddled up close to psychotic state of mind over the last few mnths i'm really sorry abt my behavior which may seem bizzare i realise...
and may all of your'll have a blessed new year ahead...HAPPY 2007!!!
=)
For the first time in my entire life I feel ashamed for being so gullible (a nicer way of putting so unbelievably mind bogglingly stupid...=p) as if that's not bad enuff i'm carrying the burden of guilt on my shoulders...guilt...tt single word tt leaves u with an ache in ur heart tt can't be explained in mere words...in my 21 yrs i've never made a mistake as huge as this...a mistake tts been so costly...i've always felt life has treated me more harshly than it shld...felt tt life's just been abt one heartache after another...but for once the heartache and trauma has nothing to do with the cards dealt out by fate...it's got to do with me and my decisions...it's made me aware tt nt all mistakes are made by others and sometimes it's gt to do with simply the paths we choose...i guess wat i failed to see all these yrs is tt alot of my trials and tribulations wld have been non-existent if only i had learnt to make the right decisions...
i used to take pride in the fact tt i've never hurt anyone...or better put impacted anyone negatively in a major way...my conscience was clear...nw tt's no longer true...no longer do i find myself in a situ where i'm the 'victim'..this time i've gone and screwed things up majorly by donning the opp role...tt of the 'victimizer'...it's a very new feeling and definately far from pleasant...however, it's made me realise tt pple do mistakes and it's made it easier to forgive everyone who's done me wrong at some pt or another in my life...i'm nt sure if those pple realise or even feel regrets over their actions...but giving them the benefit of the doubt...by any chance if they happen to feel the way i do now...i'd rather forgive them...cos i realise this is a feeling tt i wldn't even wanna bestow upon my enemies...(hmmm...nt tt i've enemies...but well u get the idea)...
so on one hand while all those sucky thots and feelings are being replayed in my mind and heart on repeat mode...there's a part of me tt feels like i've finally seen the light...my mind had been sort of caged, never being able to accept reality for what it is...like some sort of trickster it always came to rationalize my emotions in a way tt left me in a rut...e last 8 yrs i'd just been sinking deeper and deeper into a mess...a mess tt i thot i'd never be able to free myself from...but i have...altho i guess to be betta put i was freed rather than i came free...nevertheless i can no longer find excuses for tt someone's behavior...i can no longer see him in the same light, putting him up high on a pedestal, worshipping the ground on which he walked (selva if u r reading this...u were damn right...i did worship him...go on and have a nice time laughing...argh)...
ok this is going all along the "i am the big bad wolf and i'll huff and i'll puff" sort of a villainous trajectory...so to neutralise things a lil let me say a few things...there's smt abt falling in love with someone at a very young age...first love and the fact tt u fall in love really young just leaves u in love with who u tink the person is ( thx to u fantasizing abt his greatness...haha) and nt with who the person really is... and when u've always been the ardent admirer ( or as my fren told me the 'worshipper') yearning fer one chance to be together with Mr-Supposedly-Great-Guy somehow the fantasy of it all evolves into some lifelong dream...i guess when first love knocks on ur door at the most awkward time ( my life's all abt bad timing...whoever thot bollywood films are melodramatic shld take a lk at my life first...more drama than u can handle...lol)u find it hard to say no...
sadly (or maybe not tt sadly =P) my dream was well just a dream...i had directed the entire romance...all the twists and turns of e story, idolizing tt someone, believing in his goodness, accepting only his strengths and turning a blind eye to all his flaws...when the context changes from being frens to finalli getting attached to tt someone changes the screenplay dramatically...cos u finally see him for who he is nt who u tink he is...and it finally dawns on u tt a bastard is well just a bastard...no ifs and buts abt it...lol! so i've finally grown up frm my silly fantasies abt first love, true love and all other oh-so-bloody-drama-tamil-movie-fied fantasies...21's a tad bit too late to experience such a self realisation...but u noe wat they say betta late than never...
the only great thing out of this entire ordeal wld be tt in the future if i do get settled with my Mr Right he'd get my 100% cos frm nw on the dreadful "what if" qn is out of my mind...i no longer have to be plagued by the horrid thots of what if he was the right guy, what if i'm making a mistake in moving on, what if i was hurting someone who loved me truly...u get the pic...i'd no longer be lking bk onto my past wondering over the infinite no of ans to tt "what if" qn...and in tt sense i can feel i'm tryuly moving on...and tt's probably why fer the first time i've been able to get myself to throw away everything tt was bought by him fer me...and to delete all pics, files etc frm my comp...it's like i've totally erased him frm my database...haha...and i'm proud of tt fact...
if the person i'm tokking abt is reading this...look here i've already forgiven u..but i guess i need to let it all out somewhere...and this is my outlet...u owe me tt much...and by forgiveness i dun mean we can be all chummy and 'great frens' cos my new yr resolution is nt to tok to those who've fucked arnd with me big time...EVER...and it's just unfortunate u fall into tt list...so yea when i said goodbye i meant goodbye...oh and gdluck with which ever bimbo,bitch or slut u land urself with...it'll be a match made in heaven...haha...i bid u adieu! =D
realli all i've written comes frm alot of soul searching...it's been hard...no one likes to admit they were wrong and they've been an ass...but i guess true maturity is abt accepting ur mistakes...and i accept mine...i've been an ass...a huge one...i'm very very remorseful abt it...i can't undo my mistakes but i can repent, learn and make amends...my only wish for 2007 is tt i'm given the opportunity to do so...and my other resolution is to quit constantly goin off like a burst water pipe...lol...nt to forget i've magically lost my ability to cry...i noe i'm stronger than tt so i shld juz quit with the theaterical effects...hehe...oh and there's one more...pretty obvious...nt to be a jackass again nxt yr by making stupid decisions...
most imptly to the someone i've hurt...i noe tt the most sincere of apologies is nt gonna do justice cos my mistake is such...but if u r reading this i'm really sorry...u were right abt everything...i was just too stubborn to accept the truth of what u told me...and i've paid the price...as i said before i can't undo my mistakes but i can make amends...someday if u find it in u to forgive me (smt which i dun noe if i shld hope for) i promise i'll make it up to u...
well tt abt brings my reflections over this most interesting, dramatic, life-changing, thot-provoking blah blah blah yr to an end...i hope 2007 brings me bk all the happiness i've lost...and tt it's a better yr for everyone...and to the few pple who stood by me thru it all....especially lakshmi and sasi...thank u! u guys go to show tt god does send angels frm above in times of need...in the form of frens...thank u so much fer being my angels! i'm most grateful and i'll never forget ur kindness ever...
to all my frens and even the ones i've lost touch with and have been seeming to ignore cos of my muddled up close to psychotic state of mind over the last few mnths i'm really sorry abt my behavior which may seem bizzare i realise...
and may all of your'll have a blessed new year ahead...HAPPY 2007!!!
=)
posted by silent wonderer at 4:45 AM
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