Hope

dear god,

these past few weeks i've been meeting acquaintences i haven't seen arnd in a long time, re-establishing bonds with old frens and reinforcing ties with the friends who've always been there for me...what they've had to tell me has been hurting as well as enlightening...learnt a number of lessons...valuable lessons...i wish they'd crossed my path earlier or at least i'd been in the right frame of mind to cross theirs...it wld have helped me realise many things sooner...and i can't help but feel at times it's too late...

sometimes none of this makes sense to me...the reappearance of my first love just as i decide to move on...the confusion tt sets in over my decision of rejecting my first love...the emotional turmoil of those "what if.." qns weighing down on me as i tried to push away those unwanted thoughts while trying my best to be a faithful and giving gf...perhaps it was just the circumstances under which i tried to move on tt made me so drained of energy tt i lost all my strength and hope in carrying on with a r/s tt promised so much...and perhaps it was tt same sense of hopelessness and helplessness tt made me so much more susceptible to deception...all those empty words still ring in my ears...promises of change for the better, promises of everlasting love and promises of a better future...it had seemed to good to be true and yet i chose to believe...all for a dream tt was far too unrealistic...far too fantasy like...all for tt emotional connection i valued so much...cos i always thot tt u need to be connected with ur partner for him to understand ur pain, ur trials and tribulations and be able to relate to u so tt he can be a pillar of strength to carry u thru watever may come...and i had this mistaken notion of what tt emotional connection is all about...i actualli did realli have it all...and i gave it all up for nothing...

i shld be feeling devastated tt someone i liked for as long as i did had been so cold and cruel in doing this to me...but i don't feel devastated over the long years, the efforts, the hopes and dreams tt have gone down the drain...i'm relieved, thankful and glad instead...tt my ordeal is over...this sense of freedom is priceless...and in some ways i'm thankful i let myself be deceived cos it's made me realise a great deal of things in a span of 6 mnths...it's made me appreciate what and who really matters in life...and ultimately tts the only lesson tt truly matters in life...

this feeling of being haunted is one tt makes u feel like u r fading away into oblivion...i really have no idea where i'm finding my strength to carry on...perhaps it's hope as bleak as it may be...hopes for forgiveness, hopes for a second chance and hopes tt someday i'd be able to smile from my heart...

so show me some light at this pt in time when all else seems dark...never let me forget or neglect those lessons i've learnt....give me a mind tt thinks clearly and makes sound decisions...give me the courage to move on in life no matter what comes my way...give me a heart tt forgives and forgets... give me the capacity to give my love to others in abundance...give me the wisdom and compassion so tt i may never hurt anyone again...

more than anything else give me bk my reason to smile...and i promise i'd never let go...

love,
a gal in desperate need of a change in her fortune