Lost

Deja vu...This moment seems all too familliar...You might think it makes it easier...But it doesn't...It hurts more than the last time...Or is that just a figment of my imagination?..I can faintly feel the tightness around my chest,the breathlessness...Yet I don't feel it too..My head feels light and my heart heavy...

The darkness i've kept away from engulfs me in a tight embrace...A reunion of friends who've not seen each other for awhile...Misery loves me more than I thought it to...Maybe I should be flattered?...That at least there's one ardent admirer of mine that's here to stay...A friend who goes a long way back with me...One who's been there through the years...

An unusual friend to say the least...He hates my smile he says...Apparently the warm rosy look of joy just doesn't flatter me..He's smiling now though...I can see that cheshire grin of his...He likes my tears, likes seeing them falling down my cheeks slowly at first and then faster till they merge together to form a continuous stream...It's been long I hear him say...Long since he's seen me this way...He chides me for having the audacity to think my fortune's have changed for the better...He says I'm not good enough for any other...It's true my fren...Looks like you have all my love to yourself...Well now off you go...No worries; the smile's not going to come back anytime soon...and even if it does why worry?...It won't last remember?

God if you are listening...What is it that you want from me? Why play these mindgames? You give me so much to hope for...It almost seems like miracles are just around the corner..And when I finally find it within me to believe that this time round it's going to happen for real; you take it all away...Sometimes you make me feel like I have everything a girl wants...And within moments you make me feel like I'm nothing at all...There are moments I've let myself believe I'm special only to end up feeling I'm deceiving myself...I'm tired of playing these games god...You wouldn't believe how tired if I told you...But then again you know everything and you should know best...I don't know why you are testing me so much..You probably have your plans...But please have some mercy on me...It's getting to be overwhelming...

Hmm...it's the same feeling alright...the feeling of entrapment...walls closing in on me...the feeling of falling down a bottomless pit...the feeling of a futile unending struggle...I wasn't kidding when I said it's deja vu...I find myself to lose myself once more...

Oru silarin kaathal pattam poochiyai pola
Jananam thodangiya sila nodigalil
Maranam pin thodarnthu athanai thaluvum.