when it all comes crashing down...

i'm tired...physically,mentally & emotionally...i dun have the strength to carry on...it's been days since i've had a proper meal...days since i've slept well...i'm nt concentrating in sch...neither do i have the motivation to do anything...i'm losing interest in all tt i used to be keen on...i give up...

i dun understand why my darn luck as to be so bad...i dun make sense of why i'm always a victim of circumstances and bad timing...whatever the explanations to those qns may be i dun care to noe...cos i simply dun care anymore...

one can only realise his/her mistakes, apologise and be willing to make amends...whether he/she is given tt opportunity is nt in tt individual's hands...sometimes you wonder why you try so hard to live by your conscience...to set things that have gone wrong, right...to be sincere, honest and remorseful in telling someone you are sorry...you wonder about these things cos if you are nt given another chance then why beat yourself up over it for so many days and nights...why even bother admiting you were wrong...why bother trying to make a difference by trying to make amends...

there are those who dun believe in second chances...on the other hand there are also those like myself who've given others more than one chance to prove their worth...like how i gave tt devil countless opportunities to do the right thing...which left me with nothing but misery...saying tt however there have been those who've surprised me by changing for the betta...they stand as testimony to the fact tt sometimes pple do learn frm their mistakes and turn over a new leaf...

it's my darn luck again i guess tt on top of everything tt's gone heywire in the recent mnths...i'm nt even good enought to receive forgiveness...then hw cld i be so silly to think i'd get another chance...sigh...no one's perfect...everyone has their moments when they screw things up...even this person whom i've been seeking an apology frm...of course being the one who has made a greater share of the mistakes i'm nt in a position to point tt out...my purpose is to ask for an apology, nt defend myself or set up an argument to show constructively hw in actual fact both of us had a part to play in things going so wrong...

no i'm nt going to try and set things right again...cos i've already done wat i set out to do...make the other party realise i noe my mistakes, apologise and ask for another chance to prove tt my mistakes are nt a result of me being a "inherently bad person" but were just cos of the circumstances and chaos tt surrounded me...another chance to show tt without all tt madness arnd me i can be all tt this person expected me to be...but i guess i'm nt goin to be given tt chance...cos perhaps the other party does nt trust my words...well guess this person's been thru alot and it's natural for the person to feel this way....so if by blatantly ignoring me the other party feels good then i'm glad in some ways i've made the person's day...i made the mistake so i guess i have to face the music...

i'm just gonna go thru the mundane routines of everyday life...just let life take me to wherever it wants to...dun even wanna hope for a miracle and a betta tmr...dun wanna hope tt somehw all this will turn right...but optimism's a disease...a chronic one at tt...and when u've been optimistic for so long it's hard to change ur mindset overnight...but slowly i guess i have to free myself frm the delusions tt everything will be alright...nothing is right...reality is tt i'm going to feel doomed and stay doomed for sometime....all i wanna do is go to sleep and never wake up again...in the brink of insanity...i give up...

When the time comes for my soul to depart...And when Death comes to knock my door...It'd leave silent and ashamed...For my soul's been long silenced to die once more...