Of Days Gone By...

He had tears in his eyes that night when he asked her to promise him that she’ll never leave him. She was surprised. It was like being in a dream. After all she’d been in love with him for 8 long years; most of those years suffering the pains of unrequited love. She’d always known he was a flirt; the kind who thrived on the attention he got from girls. Yet, for some unexplainable reason she was attracted to him. Beneath his flaws he had a heart filled with kindness and love. This was what she believed or chose to believe in.

She wouldn’t call it love. No, that would be putting it too mildly. She’d rather call it a form of devotion. She’d always looked upon him with a curious mixture of motherly affections and love. Each time he hurt her, she chose to forgive him because she believed that with time he’d come to realize his mistakes and turn over a new leaf. She loved him without expecting anything in return. Perhaps that was also a reason why she could turn a blind eye to his every mistake. In truth, she rationalized his weakness and worshipped his strengths. He was her first love.

That eventful night, she could hardly believe what she was hearing. He’d rejected her time and again. His callous and insensitive behavior had caused her much heartache over the many years. But through it all they’d remained friends. Their friendship had grown in the last few years to resemble an abstract piece of art. Incomprehensible. Beautiful. It had brought her so much pain and so much joy. A paradox which she’d come to accept. At that moment however all pains vanished without a trace. She had nothing but sweet contentment wash over her and her heart was filled with so much love for the boy who stood in front of her.

She wiped away his tears while her own tears started streaming down her face. “I’ll never leave you. It’s a promise.” If marriage is about a union of two souls then one could say she married him in her heart in that single moment. She was determined to never let him go. She wanted to be there for him for the rest of her life.

He smiled at her. The smile that took away her breath each time she saw it. He wasn’t particularly attractive. She never saw him as a dashingly handsome individual. Yet she could never deny that he had an aura of mystery and a charisma that captivated her from the start. For her he would always be that young, enthusiastic boy she met when she was 13. She never knew when she fell in love. Neither did she know why. All she knew was that the sparkle in his eyes and that cheeky smile were two things she’d grown accustomed to and he’d become someone she treasured with all her heart.

“So no more messing up yea? We shall make this work. You truly are the best girlfriend in the world. I’m blessed to have you by my side.” He held her in his arms while he whispered those words gently into her ears. These very words she came to hear quite a number of times thereafter. Each time it felt surreal. But for that one moment she felt true bliss. And that was all that mattered to her.

Then came another night, a month down the road. Another night to remember; this time for different reasons. She never realized how badly she was hurting until then; when fear took over her. Her scars hadn’t healed. It was not something she spoke about because she knew that many would not understand. That night even the boy she loved didn’t seem to care. He seemed like a different person. Annoyed, impatient and insensitive. She wondered how someone could change so much in a course of one month but she should have known better. In the years that had passed it was a rather common phenomena; this behavior of his. He would treat her with so much love and over night without warning he’d turn cold towards her. This would follow with his “disappearing acts” that may last from days to months. In one sense his unpredictable nature was the only thing predictable about him.

She’d had thought this time round things were going to be different. He seemed so serious about her. She’d even met his parents. He couldn’t be playing with her feelings could he? He even talked about marriage and what about that night? She still remembered him asking her for her word that she will not leave him. Yet she started to see that reality at a way of turning things around for her when she least expected it. Her attempts to move on in the past; to move away from him at only caused her much grievance. It had turned her entire life around and wounded her in an unimaginable way. It was one reason why she clung onto him so fiercely. It was not only cos she loved him so deeply but also cos she needed to be loved after everything that she’d been through. So she asked him that night; asked him to promise her that he’d always be with her through it all. She’d given up her pride to ask that question. His reply was a shock to her.

“Why are you asking me such a thing?” He said it with an irritation that he was not able to mask successfully. Yet after awhile he relented and said yes. An answer that proved to be the beginning of the end. She’d always been an intuitive girl. It was one reason why people chose to confide in her. She not only listened; she truly cared. Her premonitions told her that the silence that night had brought; was the silence before a storm.

What happened after that seems like a distant memory. In fact it’s insignificant to mention the multitude of details; details of things taking a downward trajectory. She was caught in a whirlpool of confusion. It stopped her from concentrating in every other aspect of her life. The myriad of emotions she felt is probably all that she remembers. Of all the emotions she had gone through only one stays vividly in her mind.

Pain. Who would have thought that love would hurt so much? But she’d always been naïve. She trusted people too much and too easily. It was something that she knew for herself. Yet she’d believed in looking for the good in people as much as she can. She’d believed in second chances. So when love walked into her life unexpectedly and walked out in the same manner all she was left with was a sense of disbelief. She was numb, probably in denial. It was only after many weeks that she let down her defense and let herself grieve for her loss. Even now the memory haunts her.

She was waiting anxiously to hear from him. It had been three weeks since they last talked. She was told that he needed some time off. He needed to concentrate on his exams. She had given in to him. No matter what issues they were facing his studies were a priority to her and she didn’t want to be a hindrance to his goals. So she struggled with the pain and confusion. She struggled to keep her fears to herself. She tried to put a stop to her tears. It was a miracle she got through her own papers. She wrote them all in a daze.

December 5…She had no idea what that day held in store for her. She woke up early and went onto her messenger to see if he was online. He was. Her heart skipped a beat. She pondered on whether she should break the silence. He had only ended his exams the night before. Perhaps he needed time to consolidate his thoughts? She on the other hand at thought through it all. She had decided that she would try and make things work. Try even harder than before. The hols seemed like a good time to iron things out between them. She was full of optimism. In fact she was in a cheerful mood that morning.

Then it caught her eye. She had received one new email. She saw that it was from him. Even then she didn’t realize the significance of it. She was simply puzzled. A single click and things changed forever. She sat there reading the words in front of her in half horror and half fascination. No, this couldn’t be. There must be a mistake. We were meant to be together forever. A breakup? Was he joking? Time stood still. Nothing made sense.

Reality is harsh. The very person who had told her that if she ever left, his life would be meaningless; that losing her would be the biggest regret in his life was telling her that he needed her no longer. He was ending it all over an email. An email that had a miserly paragraph written on it. It was as if he was in a great hurry to end things soon as possible. She could feel neither sadness nor a sense of loss in those words. It was only plain relief that she could feel. She realized he’d even taken off pictures of her/them from his website. She had been admiring these pictures only the night before.

Words failed her then as it fail her now. What was it that he said again? Oh yes, “it has been a memorable 6 months that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life”. “I’m neither going to blame you nor myself”. “It’s sad that things turned out this way.” “You are a great girl and I’m letting you go so that someone else can take better care of you”. So magnanimous or so she let herself think for awhile. But they were all lies. He had fallen in love with someone else. She wished he had just told her so and ended things before they had gotten so complicated. It’s not that she wouldn’t have been hurt but at least she would have had not felt cheated. Now she’s left with memories so painful. They’re painful because she no longer can believe what they shared was truly love. She had loved him for who he was. He had loved her for what she was…a prized trophy. A possession he never failed to show off and take pride in. It was almost like she had been an object of the latest trend/fad.

It doesn’t matter now. To some extent she’s numb to the pain. For the most part however, the fear of being abandoned; runs so deep within her. People think she’s cold, arrogant and icy. Truth is she doesn’t allow herself to get too close to new people who cross her path. She knows herself; that she’d become too attached and affectionate. It’s always been the case. She would shower love like she’s never been hurt before. She would treat them right; putting their interests before hers. Everything would be smooth sailing. For awhile at least. Yet the people she chooses to love with all her heart, have a way of leaving her and abruptly at that. She’s used to finding herself losing a friendship/relationship overnight.

She had never understood why. It isn’t even the case of a relationship suffering a gradual death. It’s the abruptness of it all that hurts her the most. The cold demeanor, the change in attitude, the unfriendliness often paves way to broken promises. She often finds herself apologizing, trying to make amends when it’s no fault of hers. At least she doesn’t realize what mistakes she made. She’d given up asking why a long time back cos she never seems to get the answers. It’s like bargaining with the devil, pleading with a wall. After some time she realized that she was conversing with only herself.

She never thought she was going to let herself down that path again but she has. She didn’t want things to turn out this way but they have. Once again she finds herself at a crossroad. Confusion, fears and tears have all taken over her. Yet she has to continue with her façade of happiness. The joy she radiates outside and the hurt that’s gnawing her from the inside is sapping every ounce of energy she has.

If things weren’t bad enough she screws up in aspects of her life that she’s always tried hard to excel in. It seems to her at this moment that she is nothing but a failure. She can’t seem to do anything right and every time she feels a new beginning awaits her, the end comes shortly after. She’s tired of it all. Tired of looking out for others, of trying to do what’s right, of being too straightforward and honest and most of all of being so naïve and idealistic.

It’s time she abandons hope; hope that always seem to abandon her. Solitude awaits her with open arms and this time she’s too tired to resist. If this is the way things are going to end then so be it. She neither wants to ask why nor does she want to alter the course of events. She doesn’t have the strength. Her self esteem has already taken a plunge for the worse; and a long time back at that. If she hears, “you are so boring”, “I can’t seem to converse with you”, “quit being childish and act your age”, “you are too dreamy”, “you are too nice, it makes me uncomfortable”, or the worst of it all “cos you deserve better” she might just lose her mind. Her mind is already delicate at this moment; a precarious moment where she clings on to her sanity by a bare thread.

Suddenly, she feels all alone in a world that makes little sense to her. Maybe it’s better that way. After all how many times can you open your hearts to others only for them to trample over you as they please?

Confusion.
Silence.
Tears.
Hurt.
Fear.
Help?