The people we call friends...
Who is this person we call a friend? I believe that in this time and age the word friend is used far too loosely. At first when we call someone a friend it's often someone we are able to say a cordial hi and bye to; someone you can exchange a few pleasantries and amicable small talk. It's only with the course of time that you can truly get to know someone for who he/she is. It's only over many days and months that you open up to someone, confide and build rapport and trust. This i believe is what marks a true friendship from a mere acquaintance. Simply put a bond of sorts needs to be in place to make a friendship what it is.
So do we selflessly give our time, efforts and love to a friend regardless of the fact that the other person might always be on the receiving end? No. There is a marked difference between a selfless kind hearted act and just being made use of by someone. For example, let's say Person A meets Person B and has formed an acquaintance of sorts. If A chooses to help B through his/her difficulties simply cos he/she wants to then I might consider that selfless. To me that's an act of compassion cos A is in no position to expect anything in return from B in light of how theirs is not really a friendship.
Now things change if A and B get to know each other over some weeks and months to form a deeper bond. A might find himself/herself still helping B and perhaps in a greater number of issues that requires more time and effort. A might also need to work harder in maintaining the friendship due to whatever circumstances B might find himself/herself. Now if A keeps giving and B does nothing or does minimal in return do we say A is selfless or simply being foolish and made use of? In my younger days I would say A is selfless but with age and many bitter experiences that comes with it I would say A is being made use of.
Let me clarify. When I say there needs to be a give and take policy in every friendship I'm not saying one has to be calculative and keep note of who sends more messages or who makes more calls or who initiates meetings more often. The degree as to who gives more and who takes more can differ between individuals due to whatever circumstances they find themselves in. What is important is that both individuals give at times on their own initiative and give when the other person really needs the help and support of a friend. Let's go back to A and B.
A might find himself/herself giving more simply cos he/she is better able to make time and put in effort. That would be acceptable if B is able to be there for A from time to time on his/her own initiative. If B can standby A who has sacrificed to much for him/her when A needs him/her then the fact that A is giving more fades away into oblivion.
What do I mean by being there for someone? If I see a friend is upset, there are 2 different courses of action that I can take. If by friend I mean an acquaintance I can message to ask how he/she is doing and make sure he/she knows that I am there to render support and a helping hand. If by friend I mean someone whom I have come to see as someone special and important in my life then I would go to greater lengths to make sure I help this friend of mine. This is not because I'm being selfish and only care more about the people I know better but simply cos when you know someone better your ability to understand him/her and your options to help the person increases. Furthermore, a friend might allow you to step into his/her personal zone unlike an acquaintance and this might facilitate you lending a greater helping hand with regards to his/her personal life.
Sometimes you think that you need to give in more to a friend who seems to be so busy.; you go out of your way to message, call and reschedule your weekly plans just to make time for him/her. You try and understand that he/she has limited time to spare so if late night calls at the expense of your sleep is what is needed to keep the friendship going then you sacrifice your sleep and make the calls. If the person can only meet on a particular day of a week and it clashes with all your other plans you cancel or push your plans to another day; all cos you want to be able to give this friend your time. But after awhile it dawns on you...that your friend is not the only one who is busy...so are YOU...
It's a daunting task to manage your time between all your responsibilities and the people you love. Having been so busy of late I've come to see and understand that. But it can be done. Work, tuition, dance rehearsals apart I find that I've time for all the people I love simply cos I make the time. I'm not professing to doing alot for each of these special people but I can safely say this; at least I do something to the best of my abilities for them. If not alot at least a message to ask them how they are and to let them know I'm thinking of them. It's amazing how technology can really help one keep in touch with people amidst busy schedules yet people fail to use it enough. You can whip your phone out while rushing from one appointment to another to call and console a friend., you can simultaneously lend a listening ear to a few friends at one go over msn. In the worst scenario you can always meet up with a friend sometime later in the week when you are free.
Yes your friends may be busy people but aren't we all? Don't we have goals, dreams and aspirations of our own that we need to work hard at achieving? We all have 24 hrs in a day so what makes your friend different from you in the amount of time he/she has? No he/she only differs in the amount of motivation he/she has in MAKING time for you. One fine day u will reach your saturation point at always being the one to put in effort in making the time; something that differs greatly from simply slotting a person into the free time he/she already as. Again I emphasise making time is a crucial component in friendships and not acquaintances. I don't care less about one not making time for me if they are just ordinary acquaintances but if such behavior comes from someone who professes to be more than that and even claims to be a good friend then naturally I expect better. Afterall I'm human too. I can only give so much before I find my patience and strength running low.
When someone is distressed, logically you would expect a friend to come forward and help but in this godforsaken world u r expected to seek your friend. Yup you can tell so and so " hey you know what it's been a rough week and i'm in such a foul mood" but if the person just sends a message "hey i hope you are feeling better" having made no attempts to lend a listening ear or be a pillar of support it doesn't strike me as being very sincere. Would you even feel like replying to such a message? I know I didn't feel like it. I just gave an exasparated sigh and went on trying to deal with things with whatever limited energy I had. It struck me that if I really meant something to a friend he/she would try to find out how I'm doing without me always initiating things. True to that there are some sweethearts who made the effort to make sure I'm doing fine. Gestures that really touched me considering that their own lives ain't going too smoothly. So if you are one of those special people thank you so much! I can't express my gratitude enough. :) Of course the downside of just giving up on initiating things is that you realise that some people are content to think that just cos you are feeling too blue to reply (and need to be seeked instead of being expected to seek); that you just don't want to talk to them. Interesting really, considering how I could have assumed the same when I found myself in a similar situ. It would have so easy to brush it all off and say "hey i think you don't want to talk to me...ok i can't care less...i'm off to do my own things" But I just couldn't find it in me to act in such an indifferent way.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap. I wasn't born to nurse bruised egos, fill the voids in sad lonely lives and be an all in one personal counsellor come friend. I choose to do it cos I care. And I don't mind if people don't do much for me...but a listening ear and a shoulder of support really isn't much.. We could all do with a little more love and respect. I don't think that's expecting alot...Contrary to that I think it's cos such expectations are not in place that there is always someone on the losing end in most friendships and relationships. As I said before there's a fine line betwen being selfless and being made use of by someone.
Since I'm venting I might as well bring to light a few other things that are pissing me off at the moment. I was told that I am too trusting; in a tone that implied that this was a fatal flaw that needs immediate correction. There's a difference between being gullible and being trusting; the former a flaw and the latter a strength. It takes more that meets the eye to put behind you every hurt and allow yourself to trust someone new. It takes graciousness to give every person u meet a fair chance to prove themselves.It takes courage and strength to allow someone get close to you although you know he/she might very well hurt you. Being trusting is perceived as a flaw only cos people take advantage of it. So tell me now? My fault that i'm trusting? or simply others' fault that they can't live up to my trust?
So yea bottomline of this post and a message to everyone....you are worth more than that so if someone can't accord you with the respect you deserve than tell them to shape up or pack up....period!
So do we selflessly give our time, efforts and love to a friend regardless of the fact that the other person might always be on the receiving end? No. There is a marked difference between a selfless kind hearted act and just being made use of by someone. For example, let's say Person A meets Person B and has formed an acquaintance of sorts. If A chooses to help B through his/her difficulties simply cos he/she wants to then I might consider that selfless. To me that's an act of compassion cos A is in no position to expect anything in return from B in light of how theirs is not really a friendship.
Now things change if A and B get to know each other over some weeks and months to form a deeper bond. A might find himself/herself still helping B and perhaps in a greater number of issues that requires more time and effort. A might also need to work harder in maintaining the friendship due to whatever circumstances B might find himself/herself. Now if A keeps giving and B does nothing or does minimal in return do we say A is selfless or simply being foolish and made use of? In my younger days I would say A is selfless but with age and many bitter experiences that comes with it I would say A is being made use of.
Let me clarify. When I say there needs to be a give and take policy in every friendship I'm not saying one has to be calculative and keep note of who sends more messages or who makes more calls or who initiates meetings more often. The degree as to who gives more and who takes more can differ between individuals due to whatever circumstances they find themselves in. What is important is that both individuals give at times on their own initiative and give when the other person really needs the help and support of a friend. Let's go back to A and B.
A might find himself/herself giving more simply cos he/she is better able to make time and put in effort. That would be acceptable if B is able to be there for A from time to time on his/her own initiative. If B can standby A who has sacrificed to much for him/her when A needs him/her then the fact that A is giving more fades away into oblivion.
What do I mean by being there for someone? If I see a friend is upset, there are 2 different courses of action that I can take. If by friend I mean an acquaintance I can message to ask how he/she is doing and make sure he/she knows that I am there to render support and a helping hand. If by friend I mean someone whom I have come to see as someone special and important in my life then I would go to greater lengths to make sure I help this friend of mine. This is not because I'm being selfish and only care more about the people I know better but simply cos when you know someone better your ability to understand him/her and your options to help the person increases. Furthermore, a friend might allow you to step into his/her personal zone unlike an acquaintance and this might facilitate you lending a greater helping hand with regards to his/her personal life.
Sometimes you think that you need to give in more to a friend who seems to be so busy.; you go out of your way to message, call and reschedule your weekly plans just to make time for him/her. You try and understand that he/she has limited time to spare so if late night calls at the expense of your sleep is what is needed to keep the friendship going then you sacrifice your sleep and make the calls. If the person can only meet on a particular day of a week and it clashes with all your other plans you cancel or push your plans to another day; all cos you want to be able to give this friend your time. But after awhile it dawns on you...that your friend is not the only one who is busy...so are YOU...
It's a daunting task to manage your time between all your responsibilities and the people you love. Having been so busy of late I've come to see and understand that. But it can be done. Work, tuition, dance rehearsals apart I find that I've time for all the people I love simply cos I make the time. I'm not professing to doing alot for each of these special people but I can safely say this; at least I do something to the best of my abilities for them. If not alot at least a message to ask them how they are and to let them know I'm thinking of them. It's amazing how technology can really help one keep in touch with people amidst busy schedules yet people fail to use it enough. You can whip your phone out while rushing from one appointment to another to call and console a friend., you can simultaneously lend a listening ear to a few friends at one go over msn. In the worst scenario you can always meet up with a friend sometime later in the week when you are free.
Yes your friends may be busy people but aren't we all? Don't we have goals, dreams and aspirations of our own that we need to work hard at achieving? We all have 24 hrs in a day so what makes your friend different from you in the amount of time he/she has? No he/she only differs in the amount of motivation he/she has in MAKING time for you. One fine day u will reach your saturation point at always being the one to put in effort in making the time; something that differs greatly from simply slotting a person into the free time he/she already as. Again I emphasise making time is a crucial component in friendships and not acquaintances. I don't care less about one not making time for me if they are just ordinary acquaintances but if such behavior comes from someone who professes to be more than that and even claims to be a good friend then naturally I expect better. Afterall I'm human too. I can only give so much before I find my patience and strength running low.
When someone is distressed, logically you would expect a friend to come forward and help but in this godforsaken world u r expected to seek your friend. Yup you can tell so and so " hey you know what it's been a rough week and i'm in such a foul mood" but if the person just sends a message "hey i hope you are feeling better" having made no attempts to lend a listening ear or be a pillar of support it doesn't strike me as being very sincere. Would you even feel like replying to such a message? I know I didn't feel like it. I just gave an exasparated sigh and went on trying to deal with things with whatever limited energy I had. It struck me that if I really meant something to a friend he/she would try to find out how I'm doing without me always initiating things. True to that there are some sweethearts who made the effort to make sure I'm doing fine. Gestures that really touched me considering that their own lives ain't going too smoothly. So if you are one of those special people thank you so much! I can't express my gratitude enough. :) Of course the downside of just giving up on initiating things is that you realise that some people are content to think that just cos you are feeling too blue to reply (and need to be seeked instead of being expected to seek); that you just don't want to talk to them. Interesting really, considering how I could have assumed the same when I found myself in a similar situ. It would have so easy to brush it all off and say "hey i think you don't want to talk to me...ok i can't care less...i'm off to do my own things" But I just couldn't find it in me to act in such an indifferent way.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap. I wasn't born to nurse bruised egos, fill the voids in sad lonely lives and be an all in one personal counsellor come friend. I choose to do it cos I care. And I don't mind if people don't do much for me...but a listening ear and a shoulder of support really isn't much.. We could all do with a little more love and respect. I don't think that's expecting alot...Contrary to that I think it's cos such expectations are not in place that there is always someone on the losing end in most friendships and relationships. As I said before there's a fine line betwen being selfless and being made use of by someone.
Since I'm venting I might as well bring to light a few other things that are pissing me off at the moment. I was told that I am too trusting; in a tone that implied that this was a fatal flaw that needs immediate correction. There's a difference between being gullible and being trusting; the former a flaw and the latter a strength. It takes more that meets the eye to put behind you every hurt and allow yourself to trust someone new. It takes graciousness to give every person u meet a fair chance to prove themselves.It takes courage and strength to allow someone get close to you although you know he/she might very well hurt you. Being trusting is perceived as a flaw only cos people take advantage of it. So tell me now? My fault that i'm trusting? or simply others' fault that they can't live up to my trust?
So yea bottomline of this post and a message to everyone....you are worth more than that so if someone can't accord you with the respect you deserve than tell them to shape up or pack up....period!
posted by silent wonderer at 5:20 PM
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